11 Steps To Help a Friend Through a Breakup

If you’re watching a close friend go through a breakup, whether a short-lived fling or a long-term union, it’s important to know how to help a friend through a breakup in the right way.

Remember, your friend is extremely vulnerable at the moment, and they may lash out at you, simply because they need to release pent up emotion and anger. It can be hard not to take it personally and walk away in anger yourself. Put yourself in their place right now, their life is upside down.

Our friends are often an extension of our family. In some cases, our friends are closer to us than our family! When one of your nearest and dearest has their heart broken and is in the midst of an emotional breakup, it can be tough to see.

# Do not, repeat do not, insult their ex-partner

You want to, I know you do, but bashing the one who has just broken their heart is probably going to backfire on you. The reason? They probably still have feelings for them. No matter what they did, they’re not quite at the outward anger stage just yet.

If you go around calling them names and threatening violence, you’re just going to increase the risk of your friend turning on you. You will then be totally confused and turn back, which will cause a huge argument. Your friend doesn’t need an argument right now, and quite frankly, neither do you.

# Ask your friend what they need from you

It might sound like a ridiculous thing to ask, but simply vocalizing that question shows that you’re there for anything they need. That in itself is extremely comforting.

Your friend will probably say something like “help me,” “take the pain away,” or “just be there.” While you can’t take away the pain, you can do your best to be a rock for them to lean on. Understanding how to help a friend through a breakup isn’t always about knowing the answers, it’s about asking them how you can help them right now.

# Be prepared to crack open the ice cream or the wine

At some point there is going to be a hugely emotional session, probably at your house, and it will require ice cream and probably wine too. Let your friend pour out whatever is in their mind and heart. Simply listen.

Much of the time, we don’t really take the time to hear the words and feel the emotion of what someone is saying. At this time, that is what you need to do. Don’t judge, don’t interrupt, just let your friend get it all out. From there, the healing can begin over time.

# Advise them to cut all contact

It’s likely that they will be stalking their social media accounts or threatening to text or call at any moment. This is normal. Do your best to advise your friend otherwise. Of course, it’s up to them what they do. You can’t force them. But a strong chat about the perils of social media stalking and drunk texting is certainly something you need to do right now.

They are not going to heal while there is the possibility or temptation of contact. They are not going to like you for it. In terms of learning how to help a friend through a break up, a little tough love is sometimes required.

# Set boundaries

It might sound heartless, but ensure that your life doesn’t 100% be about them and their pain. Of course, be there for them and let them know it. But don’t neglect your own responsibilities, perhaps your own relationship, family, job, hobbies, downtime etc.

You can’t be strong for your friend if you’re not nourishing yourself too.

# In the immediate aftermath, don’t let them do anything stupid

When the breakup first happens, there is a high chance for stupidity occurring. Be there and discourage all actions which your friend will regret in the future, or even the next morning. If something does happen, do your best damage control. Your friend will thank you for it when they are thinking straight.

# Encourage them to stay busy

While you can’t be there 100% of the time, you can arrange things to do when you’re free. For instance, plan day trips or a meal, let them know they can call around for coffee. Basically, keep your friend as busy as you can. Enlist the help of other joint friends in keeping your friend occupied when you’re not able to.

The more you distract them, the better they will deal with their emotions. You will be ticking all the how to help a friend through a breakup boxes.

# Avoid telling them what to do

There is a difference between advising them and telling them. If you go around being the bossy friend, you increase the chances of a fall out between yourselves. You can’t force someone to do something. You can advise them and explain why you think it’s a good idea. Your friend needs a friend right now, not a teacher or boss.

# Lift them up

Remind your friend as much as possible how wonderful they are, how attractive they are, how full of talent they are. Basically tell your friend of their positive points. Lift them up as much as possible.

Whenever a breakup happens, it’s easy to slip into negativity and see all your bad points, and that is where your friend is right now. By reminding them of their worth, you help them heal much faster.

# Never tell them there’s plenty more fish in the sea

Avoid saying the old adage that has never helped anyone, ever. Seriously, just don’t say it. It’s so easy to jump right in and make them feel hopeful for the future. They do not want to think about another fish right now. They’re stuck on the fish that got away, and the ocean isn’t what they want to think about.

Focus on them and their feelings, reminding them of their positive points, for a far more effective way through the whole mess.

# Don’t take it all personally

Your friend is probably going to snap at you a few times, say things they don’t mean, argue with you for the hell of it, and generally be quite unpleasant on occasion. Remember that they aren’t themselves right now. Don’t take anything too personally. Simply rise above it.