So, the moment is right, and you’re about to get it on. Not that cliché “only in the movies, Marvin Gaye singing in the background,” but more like you’re both feeling in the mood, and pounced on each other during Adult Swim at 1 A.M. But then something goes terribly wrong. You say the wrong thing, and your man is either angry, sad, or completely confused. Whatever the case may be, there’s one clear fact: you’re not getting it on after all.
# Anything about his penis being inadequate. Be a lady, and hold back from commenting. Or better yet, if it’s a problem for you, just don’t date the guy.
# Anything about him as a person being inadequate. Again, see number one. If he’s “inadequate” as a person, don’t date him. It’s really that simple.
# Something about having a UTI. Sorry to say this ladies, but UTIs are caused by either being pre-diabetic, diabetic, or having bad hygiene. Whatever the case may be, warning your partner should happen before you’re even thinking of having sex.
# Mentioning you have STDs. This is crucial, because you could ruin someone’s life for good: before getting serious, or even contemplating getting there, tell them this in a non-sexual setting. Don’t wait to tell anyone about your STDs, until you’re about to get it on. Seriously, that is pretty mean.
# Ex-partners. Why would anyone do this? The past is the past, so don’t bring them up in the bedroom.
# The past issues you’ve had before. Don’t pick this time to talk about your relationship problems, past or present. Sure, you think “it’s on my mind, we need to talk about it before having sex.” You should have thought about that earlier! Either you resolve things before sex, before the mood is even right, or you do it a few hours after sex. Because right before or right after is like saying you can’t enjoy sex due to these issues.
# Anything regarding bowel movements. This is self-explanatory. Be classy, do your business, clean yourself up properly, and have sex like a grown up.
# Anything too self-deprecating, as in referring to yourself in derogatory terms. No, he doesn’t enjoy it when you refer to yourself as a filthy, something swallowing, whore. Unless you two have specifically spoken about this before, and you’re both onboard with it, don’t do it. Contrary to popular belief, you’re actually going to make him feel like a tool if you talk about yourself that way. That’s like implying you think that’s what he sees/treats you as. Self-respect is sexy, calling yourself a slut is not.
# Anything about social media. Silence your phone and leave it on the other side of the room. Don’t focus on Pinterest or Instagram when he’s trying to make you feel good. Don’t bring up that one girl’s horrible sunglasses, or that one dude’s stupid cycling club you love to make fun of.
# Saying something about body odor, or fingernail length. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do anything about it, but just don’t point it out. Instead, suggest taking a shower or getting him cleaned up before you even start making out.
# Fishing for compliments as a means of self-assurance. “I’m fat,” or “my hair looks like a mess,” screams that you want him to contradict you, so you feel better about yourself. Now is not the time to obligate him to make you feel validated!
# Comparing him with someone else. Your sex life is between the two of you. Adding another person into the mix for comparison purposes just shows him that you’re thinking about someone else, whether the thoughts are negative or positive.
# Your sexcapades with other dudes. Even if you take the comparison game out, even mentioning what you did with some guy you dated back in college will instantly make your guy think of you with someone else, and that will then make him lose his stiffy.
# “Did you shower today?” Again, hygiene. This will make him think he smells, or there’s something wrong with some aspect of his body. Maybe he’s greasy, maybe he’s sweaty, and maybe he really does smell. Maybe you shouldn’t have let the mood come around if he’s really dirty and grimy.
# Marriage hints. Don’t dangle the idea of sex in exchange for marriage. You shouldn’t be pressuring a guy to marry you just so he can have sex with you. That’s just cruel.
# Reminding him of your male roommate. Why you even have one is a mystery. He’s going to wonder what you and the roomie have done behind closed doors. Bringing it up won’t alleviate anything. He’s probably already insecure about it, with good reason too.
# Reminding him of your parents or his. He doesn’t want to think about his mom while he’s getting ready to have sex with you. And he certainly doesn’t want to think about your dad.
# Mentioning how drunk you are, if that is the case. If you’re drunk, sleep it off. Don’t say how drunk you are during sex, or before it, because that’s trashy. Don’t have sex while drunk, horrible things could happen, like vomiting or an unwanted pregnancy.
# “I can’t believe you’re finally going to sleep with me!” So, basically, you’ve been wanting it to happen, but it seemed too good to be true? Is this high school, and are you the outcast who’s fortunate enough to sleep with the popular idiot in school?
# “I haven’t shaved in a while.” Some guys genuinely don’t mind, so you’re better off not mentioning anything. However, if they do mind, you probably should have thought of that before jumping in the sack with him with an untrimmed rainforest down there.