If your children are having a hard time with each other, it’s natural that you focus on helping them learn to resolve their differences peacefully. But it’s important to remember that their incentive to work things out happily with each other depends on how much of a positive balance they’ve built up in their “relationship bank account.”
How do siblings build up a reservoir of good feelings to draw on? Mostly by having a good time together. Couples need five to seven positive interactions to counterbalance one negative interaction. This ratio has been repeated in multiple studies, from couples to workplaces. As far as I know, there hasn’t been parallel research done with siblings. But that’s not a bad ratio to aim for.
Notice and promote the activities that get your children playing togetherResearch on improving sibling relationships shows that children have better relationships when they share activities that they both enjoy. It can be tough to identify those activities, especially if there’s an age or interest gap. But if you pay attention, you can usually suggest something that will interest both children. For instance, if she wants to play store, and he wants to play astronaut, why not have a store on the moon? Or maybe both enjoy the play kitchen, or doing art together, or making forts. Try to encourage at least one shared activity every day.
Don’t interrupt happy playYou probably remember the old adage: Never wake a sleeping baby. My corollary is, Don’t interrupt a happily playing child.” So when siblings are playing together well, don’t take it for granted. Support them in whatever they need to keep playing, and don’t interrupt unless it’s unavoidable.
Start “special time” between your childrenDesignate a daily 10-minute block of time for two children to spend together. This is especially helpful if your children are widely spaced in age, or one is less interested in playing together than the other one, because it structures time together into the regular routine and maintains the connection.
Support siblings to nurture each otherWhen one child gets hurt, make it a practice for everyone in the family to stop playing and tend to the child who’s hurt. Hold back a moment to see if the siblings step in to nurture each other. Send a child for the ice pack or bandaids, or even let them be your medical assistant and tend to their sibling. Have all the children take part in this, including any child who was involved in the other getting hurt, so they can begin to feel like a helper instead of a hurter.
Put your kids in charge of a project togetherFor instance, maybe they’ll wash the car together to earn the money you would have spent at the car wash. Or maybe they’re in charge of the decorations for Father’s Day, or planning a fun family outing. Let the children work together to do the planning, with you only peripherally involved to insure safety and maximum fun.