5 Tips To Maintain Healthy Friendship

Everyone knows marriage takes work if it’s going to go the distance. But our friendships need the same kind of care if they’re going to endure. Can we take a page or two from the marriage playbook and apply them to our other relationships? Yes, and here’s the game plan, straight from the coaches themselves.

* Use technology to your advantage

If distance interferes with a face-to-face, by all means use Skype or FaceTime to have quality one-on-one time, says Monique Honaman, relationship expert and author of The High Road Has Less Traffic. “Be intentional about scheduling time for each other. Just as many spouses schedule formal ‘date nights’ with each other, so too should friends be intentional about scheduling time to catch up and reconnect,” she says. “In fact, many of my best friends live out of state, so we meet for a virtual coffee or glass of wine.” Honaman says you should schedule these meet-ups when you have time to focus. “The kids need to be at school or in bed; your spouse needs to be doing something else. Find a private spot and have your conversation!”

* Build rituals of connection

Dokun says that you don’t have to have weekly nights out to maintain a friendship. “Commit to a blowout annual celebration of a non-family oriented holiday like Cinco de Mayo or Labor Day where you can routinely spend time together and build memories through the years.” Tara Dixon agrees. “Traditions guarantee plans, and they give everyone a chance to participate, no matter what their interests,” she says. “I also suggest to couples and friends to roll the dice with Groupon. No matter the time of year, you can always find something interesting on Groupon.” From spa days to new restaurants or even high adventure, there are plenty of options. “Once everyone has purchased their Groupon, they are more compelled to follow through using it,” says Dixon.

* Ask permission

“One of the biggest mistakes that couples make is giving one another unsolicited advice,” say Ashley and Michael Arn, known as the Love Doctors. “Have you ever come home from having a really crappy day, and you wanted to just vent to your friend about what has happened? Instead, your friend instantly starts giving suggestions to fix your problem. You end up feeling frustrated because all you wanted them to do was listen.” When this happens, show your friend how you want them to respond by doing something called “modeling.” “The next time your friend is feeling overwhelmed and venting about their day, simply ask them ‘I’m sorry you had a rough day. Do you want to vent about it or would you like me to help you find solutions? I just want to make sure I’m here for you in the way you need me,’” say the Arns.

* Boldly go where you haven’t gone before

Building on the idea of a shared Groupon experience, Traci Ruble, psychotherapist and founder of Psyched in San Francisco, says that “What every long-term married couple says is some version of ‘we have a lot of comfort and stability but we lost that spark. How can we get it back?’” Friendships can become staid and boring, too. Boredom, over time, weakens bonds. “As we age we tend to pursue routines because they simplify our lives, but a little bit of novelty in our relationships can add a good kind of stress that creates [freshness],” she explains. “If you always meet with your coffee group at the same place, perhaps try a new place. Or maybe do something radically different like go see a play together.” By investing in shared, novel experiences, you spark new vitality, and the shared memories deepen the bonds of friendship.

* Don’t take things personally

“Friends sometimes get offended by all sorts of things,” says Jill Whitney. “Like when a friend gets together with another friend without inviting you, or takes too long to reply to a message or loses interest in an activity the two of you used to enjoy together.” None of these scenarios are about you, she says. “They don’t say anything at all about the value your friend places on your relationship. People get busy; people have separate interests and friendships. Value your friend for the changing, evolving person she is.”