Being in a relationship gives you a friend and a partner who can help you improve yourself. This is an often overlooked aspect of being with someone. Your significant other can point out potential areas of improvement in all aspects of your life. And of course, it works both ways you can and should do the same for them.
We often seek advice from our partners, and in a healthy relationship, this will be given honestly, even if it’s critical in any way. And when two people truly love and trust each other, they can offer criticisms even when they are unsolicited. The key is in doing it right, and that’s where the art of constructive criticism comes in.
# Write it down firstYou’re not an objective actor when criticizing your significant other, and your emotions can swing while you bring up the subject. All those points you had thought out beforehand can disappear in the moment. You’ll probably be nervous, and you may temper your points too much and offer up a weak argument.
Before you confront them, write down what you want to say. You might even think about practicing it out loud a few times before the actual conversation. Once you’ve settled on what you want to say, don’t self-censor in the moment. The talk will go much smoother if you’re not stumbling over your words.
# A spoonful of sugar
A great way to take the rough edges off of a criticism is to offer it with a compliment. This makes someone feel less like they’re under attack. It needs to be a sincere compliment though, or it will make the situation worse.
If you think your partner needs to be nicer to one of your friends, start the conversation by complimenting them on some situation where they were really friendly to someone.
If you understand some of the reasons why they’re mean to that person, empathize with them. Tell them you know how that friend can be sometimes, but they’re an important person in your life, and your partner needs to be kinder to them.
# Stay calm and controlledIt can be difficult, but it’s crucial to keep your emotions under control when you’re offering a criticism of your partner. Losing your temper will only lead to a fight, and any advice you gave will be totally ignored.
If you feel like your talk isn’t going well, it’s better to abort the mission than have an argument. Even if they are getting angry, you’ve got to keep it together. When they’ve calmed down later, hopefully they will realize that they were out of line.
# Check your languageThe way you phrase your criticism is often as important as the criticism itself. If it sounds like you’re ordering your significant other to do something different, they won’t respond well at all. But if you can gauge your language, you will take off the rough edges of the advice you’re giving and make them more receptive.
Don’t be too direct and say “You do this…” Instead, begin with “It seems to me…” Use conditionals like “What if you…” instead of direct suggestions like “You have to…” or “You should…”
You probably already use subtle language tricks like this all the time whether you realize it or not. When you sit down to have this kind of talk in your relationship, make sure you do it.
# Keep it lightOne way to keep the situation from getting out of control is to keep it light. Don’t present your criticism as something major. If you can even just mention it in passing instead of having a big sit down talk, the advice may be received better. Be careful though, as doing this constantly will just seem like nagging.