‘Traits that don’t fit our traditional narrative of what love should be are actually necessary ingredients for a healthy relationship.’
There’s no class in high school on how to not be a shitty girlfriend or boyfriend. For sure, they teach us the biology of sex, the legality of marriage, and maybe we read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be.
But when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships, we’re given no pointers … or worse, we’re given advice columns in women’s magazines.
Yes, it’s trial-and-error from the get-go. And if you’re like most people, it’s been mostly error.
But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love — you know, that dizzying and irrational romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing—and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities. Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectify their relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen as assets rather than someone to share mutual emotional support.
Fortunately, there’s been a lot of psychological research into healthy and happy relationships the past few decades and there are some general principles that keep popping up consistently that most people are unaware of or don’t follow. In fact, some of these principles actually go against what is traditionally considered “romantic” or normal in a relationship.
Below are six of the most common tendencies in relationships that many couples think are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destroying everything you hold dear. Get the tissues ready.
#1. Jealousy. The levels of jealousy I see in individuals around me is astounding. And it’s not normal, healthy jealousy, either. I mean, seriously, you’re going to pitch a fit because your boyfriend is talking harmlessly to another girl online? Are you serious?
Going off this, possessiveness/control freaking. Your partner is an individual too you know, they have a right to have friends and know other people besides you. If you are going to be insistent that they spend every waking moment talking to you or consoling you, then I don’t blame them for leaving.
#2. Also stemming into the above, but slightly different, is a simply absurd level of distrust. I get not trusting your partner with certain things now and then, I really do. I have major trust issues myself. But the above example shows me that you don’t trust your partner to be faithful, in which case you shouldn’t be with them at all. If you can’t trust them to do something so simple, how are you supposed to trust them in other ways? If you can’t trust your spouse not to cheat on you, then why would you trust them to watch your children unattended? That seems absurd to me.
#3. Threatening behavior. I am directing this mostly towards men, because they instinctively do it more, especially when young. Look, your husband/boyfriend throwing things or hitting things in front of you when you fight or make him mad is a straight-up threat. It’s a non-verbal way to say, “look what I could do to you — you are lucky I can control myself this much or I would be doing this to you”. It is a threat of violence, even if no violence becomes of it. Women do have similar tactics, to be fair, only theirs tend to be less physical and more emotional — we will get to that next.
#4. Emotional manipulation. Women primarily undertake this one. Ever had your wife/girlfriend tell you something along the lines of “it’s always my fault, isn’t it?” in a pitiful tone, or “If you were a real man!” or the infamous “you would if you loved me”? Emotional manipulation is something a lot of people take for granted way too often in my opinion. That shit can leave you damaged in ways you don’t even realize you’ve been damaged. Emotional manipulation and emotional abuse might as well be synonymous. And like all forms of abuse, it leaves it’s mark on the victim, making them unable to trust, unable to believe in themselves or others, and often contributing to mental illnesses which can be severe. Yet, it seems to be a totally normal thing — which is damn frightening if you ask me.
#5. Closed communication channels. while not exactly a toxic behaviour, it certainly doesn’t help when you reach a rocky road in your relationship. If your partner has something they maybe don’t like to talk about, then okay, that’s fine — but if that something is, well, everything, then you have a serious problem. What’s more, being judgmental and crude or making fun of your partner is going to make them think they can’t trust you enough to talk to you about important things. And if they don’t think they can talk to you, they won’t. And when they don’t, miscommunications will begin popping up like locusts in a plague. First one or two. Then three or ten. Then dozens. And the more you fail to communicate openly with your partner, the worse it will become. In order to keep a relationship flowing, you need to be able to communicate effectively. If you can’t, then you are doomed to either fail and break up, or have one or both of you spend the rest of your days together in misery.
#6. I know it’s been addressed, but being insistent about sex doesn’t do you any justices. For either sex. If you appear too eager for sex or demand it too often, especially when you fail to properly communicate your feelings, you can leave your partner believing that you’re just in it for the action and nothing else. This can be pretty devastating if it wasn’t made clear from the beginning (again, open communication!) that that was the expectation. Your partner will feel worthless and used, and believe you me, that is not a fun place to be.
Whelp, I’ve said my piece !!