We usually tend to associate talking about oneself often or posting a lot of selfies on social media with narcissism. However, narcissism is far more complex. To understand it, let’s first differentiate between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder. We all have a few traits of different personality types, including narcissism, that represent our patterns of thinking but when they become rigid and maladaptive is when they can be labeled as a personality disorder.
Narcissism is a set of personality qualities that include thinking very highly of oneself, needing admiration, believing others are inferior, and lacking empathy for others. A narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance.
# Write down reasons for why you are leavingBreaking up with a narcissist? Take your experiences in this abusive relationship as a reference point for yourself. Individuals with personality disorders usually cope with the world in a very dysfunctional manner and also tend to distort their reality. This can usually make you question your reality. Believe in your reality and not the one they make up. That’s how to break up with a narcissist.
You may feel like you are ready to leave, but the very next moment, your partner may annihilate your resolve with their guilt-tripping and pleading. That’s when writing down the reasons ahead of time can come in handy. When you do this, give yourself examples so that you can see through their ulterior motives and ground yourself in your reality during the process of separation. Keep reading that list of reasons to yourself as a resource to remind yourself that you need to leave and maybe prepare for what to say when breaking up with a narcissist.
# Leave as soon as you have your reasons ready
Don’t make the mistake that Maria made by postponing the breakup and staying in the relationship for as long as she did. There were multiple reasons that she didn’t leave. She wasn’t ready to break free and had formed a trauma bond with her partner. The feeling of codependency created a sense of doubt that she couldn’t survive without her partner.
It is important in this case that you leave quietly, without a confrontation. Plan ahead of how you’ll leave, seek support from your empathetic friends, save money, and step out as soon as you can. Hiding the fact that you might leave them is the best idea because confrontations with them can get out of hand.
# Remove them and all mutual connections from your social mediaNow that you have decided and planned to leave your narcissistic partner, remove and block them and every mutual contact through which they can reach out to you for at least a few months if not permanently. No texts, no phone calls, or stalking them on social media.
This can be the hardest part of the breakup but a very necessary step to ensure your happiness and safety, and to let go of the possible guilt trip. When you walk away, a narcissistic partner will try everything in their power to win you back. They might tempt you to contact them, or get vindictive and spread rumors about you. They might even come over to your place, call you repeatedly, or even beg for forgiveness. But it is important you set firm boundaries, giving them no chance to manipulate you. This is how to end a relationship with a narcissist and move on from one-sided love.
# Do not make excuses for your narcissistic partnerI understand, every one of us makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. But this notion is harmful when it comes to a relationship with a narcissist. The excuses you make for them would give them more power to get away with their inexcusable behavior.
You may be making excuses to justify their behaviors in part because of your trauma bonding or you might also just be scared of confronting the reality of narcissistic abuse, which is very natural. Make a conscious effort to steer clear of this tendency. Do not blame yourself for things that your partner, who is a toxic person, said that you did wrong. Evaluate yourself but also remember that this is an abusive relationship and with a narcissistic partner no less.
# Constantly remind yourself of why you leftA narcissist would always want to feel special or create the impression that you are special to allure you toward them. This tendency can make it hard for you to remember the reasons why you left and can shadow the pain of the dark times.
To be able to break free, remove the reminders of the relationship from your life and maybe list down the reasons why you left them. You may want to go back and read that list every time you feel you can go back to them because you can’t remember the hurt at the moment. Be mindful not to slip into thinking that things “weren’t as bad” as you feel. Start your breakup healing process.
# Don’t fall for love bombingLove bombing is the initial phase of narcissistic relationships where everything seems daisy and romantic. Most narcissists try to sweep you off your feet with sheer flattery in an attempt to blind you to the red flags in their personality. This phase of love bombing returns whenever you threaten to leave.
It is a very natural tendency to romanticize the good memories of the relationship but it can be harmful if you want to move on. Focus on how you had to walk on eggshells around your partner. These incidents will remind you of how bad it was and would keep you from getting manipulated by your narcissistic ex.
# Get support from a mental health professionalA mental health professional can help you identify issues, even when unpleasant, in a supportive way. They can help with the denial and help you deal with the experiences of being criticized, ignored, exploited, and mistreated.
Speaking to a trusted, qualified, and licensed therapist will help you rebuild your reality and also explore what makes you vulnerable to falling for a narcissist so you can be mindful to avoid it in the future. At Bonobology, we offer professional help through our panel of licensed advisors who can help you embark on a path toward recovery.