Controlling people get a bad rap. When a controlling person is being discussed, it isn’t too uncommon to hear, “Oh, that person is controlling. Let’s avoid him/her like the plague.” Sure, it can be a lot to handle at times, but controlling people aren’t necessarily terrible people—just like laid-back people aren’t always such a joy to be around. Everyone has their pros and cons, and every personality type is a little different.
When it comes to dealing with a controlling person, there should be some consideration. What you say or do might yield an unwelcome reaction, and you might get caught like a deer in the headlights. Knowing how to handle them is half the battle, but identifying a controlling person is the first step. They’re hidden in plain sight, so knowing what to ask them can give away their personality type.
# Do you prefer working alone, or with others?
This question seems harmless enough, but what you’re really asking is, “Do you play well with others?” If they’re a controlling person, they’re either going to prefer working alone, or they’re going to try to lead the others. This is a sign that if they’re in a relationship, they might try to run the show.
# You care for others' needs, but do you take it personally when they don’t spend as much time worrying about yours? This is a bit of a contradiction: controlling people have complete control of their lives and don’t want help, usually, but they do take it personally when people don’t worry about them, either. If they put in the effort to help those around them, they expect the same in return—even if they don’t accept the help being offered.
# Do you spend a lot of time making sure things are neat?Keeping a neat place is a blessing, sure, but when you’re completely OCD about it at all times, you might have a bit of a control issue. It’s OK to be messy every now and then. It’s OK to toss things around when you first walk in the door. Put it away later, after you’ve changed, pulled your hair up, gotten a drink of water, etc.
# Would you have a problem with a messy partner?”This is a major red flag; a control freak will take their partner’s messiness as a direct offense, and will get irritated, since they keep themselves in order. It’s a bit like a tornado coming in and undoing everything you’ve cleaned up. Neat people can stand a messy partner, or at least handle it. A controlling person, however, might be overly serious about cleanliness.
# What are you like when you don’t get your way?Huge question, because how you handle losing is a direct reflection of who you really are, deep down. If someone pouts and sighs, then gives up and lets it go, it’s normal. On the other hand, if someone gets resentful, brings the incident up continuously, or shows anger, and tries to convince the other person to give them what they want, they might be a little too controlling.
# Do you ever do or say certain things to get people to change their minds?The art of persuasion is a powerful thing. Using it when the time is right is key. It’s OK, in certain situations, to persuade. Unfortunately, if you’re controlling, you’ll probably abuse this ability. Every single time someone doesn’t agree with something you say, you’re going to fight it and try to get them to join your “team.”
# Would you say you give people unsolicited advice, or constructive criticism?Advice is nice, but sometimes, all you need to do is listen and let people vent. If someone wants advice, they’ll ask for it. A controlling person won’t see it this way; instead, anything you say will be taken to mean that you’re asking them to direct you, change you, and “improve” you. It doesn’t come from a bad place—it’s just how they process information. They’re used to leading.