A possessive relationship is not sweet. It is not full of love and romance. It isn’t what great love stories are made of. In fact, possessive relationships very often lead to intense dysfunction, manipulation, and even abuse. There really is nothing positive about a possessive relationship, yet it seems to be something that is romanticized by many.
Thinking that someone loves you enough to do anything to keep you with them seems endearing at first. But, it is one thing to make someone happy and another to be controlling, manipulative, and even dangerous about that desire.
A possessive relationship is not a fair nor equal partnership. It is a form of ownership. When one partner thinks the other belongs to them, they let their intense fear of losing them turn into rage and jealousy. Learning how to identify this behavior is so important to your mental health and physical well-being.
# They get irrationally jealousIt is one thing to be a little jealous if you see your partner get hit on by an attractive stranger. But usually, you trust your partner and let it go. In the case of a possessive relationship, this small tinge of jealousy gets out of hand.
Your partner would accuse you of being interested in someone just for talking to them. They would be jealous of you working late because your work is getting more attention than them. Basically, they get jealous of anyone or anything that takes your attention away from them.
# They lovebombedLovebombing is an attempt to woo someone with over-the-top gestures like sending flowers, buying gifts, or being extra romantic right off the bat. This could be seen as sweet, but it often happens very quickly and before the person even knows you.
This is very often a precursor to abuse and manipulation. By starting a relationship with an overwhelming amount of affection, you can be flattered and excited by this, only for it to turn into something creepy and dangerous once you’re involved.
# They show up out of the blueIt can be sweet for your partner to show up with wine after you’ve had a bad day. But, if they show up out of the blue for no reason except they missed you, it can be alarming. They may cloak this behavior as sweetness or love, but in reality, it is a way to check up on you.
One of my closest friends was in a long-distance possessive relationship. Every time she told her boyfriend we were together, he would call to say hi to me. He acted like he was just being nice and wanting to get to know her friend, but he did it to make sure she was really where she said she was.
He would do this if she didn’t text back right away. And he would always insist on talking to me on the phone under the semblance of wanting to be friends when he really wanted to make sure I was there with her.
# You feel guilty for being happy
If you call your partner after getting a promotion or having a great day, they will bring you down by accusing you of bragging when they’re struggling. They will speak about your job negatively, claiming it’s taking time away from your relationship.
They struggle to be happy for you in these moments because it has nothing to do with them. In fact, they may even speak negatively about your friends and family that have good news because they pull your attention away too.
# They don’t like giving you space
Every healthy relationship requires some level of personal space and boundaries. But in a possessive relationship, that is not the case. If you need a day to just relax, they will question why you can’t relax with them. They will want you to spend all your free time with them and say things like you always go out with your friends or we haven’t had a night together all week, when that isn’t the case.
# They need to know your scheduleIf you go out without them, they will want to know where you are, where you’re going, and who you’ll be with. They may not word these questions as accusations, but no one needs to know where their partner is at all times if they trust them.
They may also insist you share your location with them via your phone. If you try to instill boundaries and privacy, they will likely accuse you of lying to guilt you into sharing such details.
# They don’t encourage your growth or successIn a healthy relationship, partners motivate, inspire, and support each other to become better and more well-rounded people. You want each other to be better and happier. But, in a possessive relationship, it is quite the opposite. A possessive partner will negate your growth and want to confine you instead of encouraging you to explore.
# They text a lotTexting throughout the day is all great, fine, and well. But when it becomes unnecessary and excessive, there is a reason for it. They want to be in constant communication with you for a reason. They need to know they have your attention. It is one thing to text about dinner plans or to send memes during your lunch break, but when they need a response quickly when they’re asking about your day, something isn’t right.
# They don’t like giving you spaceEvery healthy relationship requires some level of personal space and boundaries. But in a possessive relationship, that is not the case. If you need a day to just relax, they will question why you can’t relax with them. They will want you to spend all your free time with them and say things like you always go out with your friends or we haven’t had a night together all week, when that isn’t the case.
# They need to know your scheduleIf you go out without them, they will want to know where you are, where you’re going, and who you’ll be with. They may not word these questions as accusations, but no one needs to know where their partner is at all times if they trust them.
They may also insist you share your location with them via your phone. If you try to instill boundaries and privacy, they will likely accuse you of lying to guilt you into sharing such details.
# They don’t encourage your growth or successIn a healthy relationship, partners motivate, inspire, and support each other to become better and more well-rounded people. You want each other to be better and happier. But, in a possessive relationship, it is quite the opposite. A possessive partner will negate your growth and want to confine you instead of encouraging you to explore.
# They text a lotTexting throughout the day is all great, fine, and well. But when it becomes unnecessary and excessive, there is a reason for it. They want to be in constant communication with you for a reason. They need to know they have your attention. It is one thing to text about dinner plans or to send memes during your lunch break, but when they need a response quickly when they’re asking about your day, something isn’t right.