Parents are the centre of the universe for a child. It is around them a child’s live revolves. So what happens when this center of gravity is caught in conflict? Without doubt, it is extremely painful for a children to watch their parents fight in front of them. Whether it is a heated debate or a casual martial fight, it is never pleasant for the children.
Children are like sponges and have excellent emotional skills. Much more than we give them credit for. They can sense their parents are upset with each other when parents are busy acting fine in front of them. Research suggests even babies as young as 6 months old can pick up these signals. Children who witness frequent fights at home often suffer a lot of emotional and mental trauma which can be manifested in various ways like:
Insecurity and Low Self Esteem: When parents fight and say angry words to each other, children feel lost. Suddenly their safe heaven- home is not safe anymore. This results in insecurity and low self esteem. Such children become emotionally clogged and often fall prey to substance abuse.
Behavioral Issues: Suddenly when a happy, smart child starts floundering on tests, starts shying away from friends and looses appetite, you can be assured of issues at home. Children love their parents and when they see them fighting, they cannot process the emotion and end up internalizing the feelings. This manifests into behavioral and health issues.
Poor Relationships:
Children bought up in conflicts often fall into poor relationships as well when they grow up. With no role model to learn how to resolve fights, they find themselves trapped in relationships and end up making similar mistakes as their parents.
Stress related disorders: Children often become distraught, worried, anxious and hopeless when stressed. While some become aggressive others develop sleep disturbances and health problems like headaches and stomach aches and may get sick frequently.
When Fighting Becomes Problematic
No matter the age of your children or whether you’re seeing effects of marital strife, take a close look at how you argue. Just because your fights don’t get physical doesn’t mean they aren’t harmful to your kids. There are a number of tactics parents use that are destructive to children.
Destructive Disagreement Tactics
Name-calling
Insults
Threats of abandonment (such as divorce)
Any form of physical aggression (including throwing things)
Walking out or withdrawing from the argument
Capitulation (giving into the other parent)
So, while you might think walking away from an argument and giving your partner the silent treatment for three days isn’t a big deal—it’s a big deal to your kids. Your kids see how you handle disagreements and they learn problem-solving skills, emotion regulation skills, and conflict resolution skills from you.
It’s also important to think about the message that you’re sending to your kids about loving relationships. If you and your partner treat each other with disrespect, your kids will grow up thinking that it’s OK to do the same—and perhaps they’ll believe it’s OK to let others treat them poorly, too.
Diminishing the Effects
Sometimes, a disagreement gets out of hand. One person says something they don’t mean, another parent doesn’t realize that their children are listening on the other side of the wall.
A spat or two doesn’t mean you’ve irreparably harmed your child. However, you might want to take a few steps to lessen the effects of what they saw and heard. If your disagreement grows disrespectful, you might take these steps to address the situation with your kids:
* Discuss the fight: Although you don’t have to get into specifics about what you and your partner were disagreeing about, hold a family meeting to say something like, “Daddy and I had an argument the other night that got out of hand. We didn’t have the same opinion on something that was important to both of us, but it was wrong for us to fight like that.”
* Reassure the kids: Remind them that this was just an argument and not indicative of bigger problems. Reassure them that you still love each other and that you’re not going to get divorced (assuming, of course, that it’s a true statement).
* Bring closure: Make sure your children understand that you’re still a strong family. Explain that arguments happen sometimes and people can lose their tempers. However, you all love each other, despite your disagreements.