9 Easy Ways To Start a Conversation With Your Ex

Initiating a conversation with your ex can seem daunting, but it doesn't have to be a hit-or-miss experience.

Talking to your ex is much like talking to anyone else. Your shared history can feel intimidating, but at the end of the day, they’re just another person.

Yes, you may have been intimately acquainted, but that’s in the past.

Whether your breakup was amicable or not, there are often reasons you need to communicate with your ex—be it to retrieve belongings, seek closure, or even rekindle the relationship. Whatever your reason, you can manage it effectively.

It’s important to approach this with maturity. Knowing how to start the conversation, even over text, can help ease the awkwardness.

Deciding how to start a conversation with your ex will largely depend on your reasons for reaching out. If you're hoping to rekindle the relationship, you'll approach the conversation differently than if you're trying to resolve financial matters or arrange to exchange belongings.

Use these suggestions and tailor them to fit your specific situation and the dynamics of your past relationship. This way, you'll have a better chance of a successful interaction.

# Be Direct

In most cases, it’s best to be upfront. Trying to ease into the conversation with small talk or vague greetings can just delay the inevitable and create confusion.

If you need to meet your ex to exchange keys or retrieve belongings, state your purpose clearly. Sending a text that simply says “hi” can be misleading and leave them wondering about your intentions.

Instead, start with a polite greeting and quickly get to the point. For instance, you might text, “Hi, I hope you’re doing well. I need to pick up my sweatshirt from your place.” Think of it like writing a professional email—be clear and straightforward. This approach, while blunt, tends to be the most effective and is generally appreciated for its honesty.

# Avoid Heavy Topics

When reaching out to your ex, you might feel tempted to reminisce. Unless you need closure from a recent breakup, avoid bringing up the past, as it can drag you back into old emotional patterns. Remember, your ex is no longer a potential partner but someone from your past, so keep the conversation focused on the present.

Even if you’re aiming to maintain a friendship, steer clear of old memories and focus on moving forward. Keep interactions cordial, especially if you have to interact regularly due to shared friends or work, but there’s no need to dwell on “the good old days.”

# Start with Light Conversation

Avoid diving into heavy topics right away. Instead, break the ice with something light, like mentioning a new café or a movie you both might be interested in. This helps set a low-pressure tone and lets you gauge each other's comfort levels.

Starting with a casual topic creates a relaxed environment that encourages open and easy communication, without overwhelming either of you.

# Suggest Meeting in Person

Whenever possible, opt for face-to-face communication rather than texting. Meeting in person reduces the chances of miscommunication. However, choose a public place to help keep the conversation calm and grounded, and to avoid slipping back into old relationship dynamics.

For discussions that require closure or rekindling the relationship, in-person conversations are usually more effective. If the past relationship was abusive or unsafe, ensure you have a trusted person accompany you for any necessary meetings.

# Mention a Positive Shared Memory

If appropriate, briefly reference a pleasant shared memory to rekindle positive feelings. For example, saying, “Remember that crazy karaoke night?” can help set a friendly tone without delving into nostalgia.

Ensure the memory is light and doesn’t risk reopening old conflicts. The aim is to connect in the present while using past positivity as a bridge, not to get stuck reminiscing.

# Steer Clear of Past Conflicts

Avoid discussing old arguments or conflicts. Focus on the positives and present-day matters. Revisiting past disagreements can turn a cordial conversation into an uncomfortable confrontation.

The goal is to establish a positive and constructive communication style, laying the groundwork for a more enjoyable interaction.

# Acknowledge Awkwardness if Present

If there’s an awkward atmosphere, sometimes it’s helpful to address it directly. A simple statement like, “I know this feels a bit awkward, but I’m glad we’re talking,” can make the conversation feel more genuine.

Recognizing any awkwardness shows honesty and vulnerability, which can help make the interaction feel more open and relaxed.

# Stay Neutral

Regardless of any past grievances, strive to remain calm and composed when initiating the conversation. If emotions are running high, wait until you’re in a more neutral state of mind before reaching out. Alternatively, ask a neutral friend to accompany you and help keep the conversation objective.

# Avoid Patronizing

Refrain from talking down to your ex, even if you believe they were at fault for the breakup. Approach them as an equal, being kind without overdoing it. Treating them differently will likely affect their response and can make the interaction more strained.