12 Subtle Characteristics of Push and Pull Relationships

Every relationship has its own unique rhythm, a dance of emotions that brings two individuals closer. Yet, some steps in this dance can leave you feeling dizzy, confused, and wanting more, all at once. Enter the fascinating yet tumultuous world of push-and-pull relationships—a dynamic that's more akin to an emotional tug-of-war.

What is a Push-and-Pull Relationship?

In a push-and-pull relationship, one partner often withdraws (the “push”) while the other tries to draw them closer (the “pull”). It’s a thrilling yet exhausting emotional rollercoaster where instead of moving together, the partners constantly pull in opposite directions.

This dynamic resembles a cycle of hot and cold, a constant dance of approach and avoidance, making it feel like a suspenseful romance. One moment, the attraction and intimacy are undeniable, and the next, there’s distance, detachment, and coldness.

Imagine it as a game of emotional cat and mouse. The puller (mouse) continually chases, while the pusher (cat) runs away whenever the mouse gets close. This cycle of yearning and withdrawal, of love expressed and retracted, defines the relationship.

But just like any movie, there must be more beneath the surface of this emotional seesaw, this game of now you see me, now you don’t.

If you find yourself on this unpredictable relationship rollercoaster, you might be wondering what lies ahead. Much like the tallest, most exhilarating rollercoaster at an amusement park, this ride promises dramatic highs and lows, sharp twists and turns, and a rush of adrenaline.

Let’s explore the key characteristics of this wild journey.

# Emotional Highs and Lows

Push-pull relationships are marked by intense declarations of love the ‘pull’ followed by cold withdrawal the ‘push’. It’s like experiencing both summer and winter in a single day—exciting, yes, but also draining.

# Frequent Breakups and Makeups

Think of your favorite will-they-won't-they TV couple Ross and Rachel, perhaps? Now, imagine their on-again, off-again dynamic happening in real life.

Great for TV, but far less enjoyable when it’s your own relationship.

# One Partner Chasing, the Other Distancing

In this dynamic chase, the ‘puller’ often anxiously attached seeks closeness, while the ‘pusher’ often avoidantly attached evades intimacy. It’s like a game of tag where it’s unclear who’s really ‘it.’

# The ‘Phantom Ex’

Like an unwelcome ghost, past relationships often haunt push-pull dynamics. The behaviors of both the ‘pusher’ and ‘puller’ are shaped by previous relationship experiences and emotional baggage. The shadow of a former lover looms over the present.

# Inconsistent Communication

Communication in a push-pull relationship fluctuates dramatically. Sometimes it’s constant, loving, and almost obsessive, while other times it’s detached and infrequent. This inconsistency keeps the ‘puller’ in a constant state of anxiety.

# Difficulty with Commitment

This dynamic often makes commitment challenging, especially for the ‘pusher.’ They may hesitate to define the relationship, plan for the future, or take significant steps like moving in together.

# An Emotional Rollercoaster

The relationship is passionate, intense, and exhilarating—yet emotionally exhausting. The ongoing cycle of closeness and distance can leave both partners feeling drained.

# Power Imbalance

The push-pull relationship often creates a power imbalance, with the ‘pusher’ holding more control. The ‘puller’ may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, constantly walking an emotional tightrope between hope and despair.

This tension can perpetuate a cycle where the ‘puller’ seeks stability, but the harder they try, the more the ‘pusher’ retreats, creating an endless loop of emotional tag.

# Intense Jealousy and Possessiveness

The ‘puller,’ fearful of abandonment, may display jealousy and possessiveness. In turn, the ‘pusher’ might withdraw further, escalating the dynamic.

# Impact on Other Areas of Life

These relationships can be so emotionally consuming that they start to interfere with other areas of your life. You may struggle to focus on work, maintain friendships, or pursue hobbies because the relationship demands so much of your emotional energy.

# Challenges in Resolving Conflicts

Conflict resolution is difficult in push-pull relationships. The ‘puller’ often tries to address issues while the ‘pusher’ avoids them, leading to frustration and unresolved problems.

# Need for Constant Reassurance

Due to the ‘pusher’s’ inconsistency, the ‘puller’ frequently feels uncertain and craves constant reassurance about the relationship’s stability. It’s like trying to build a house on shaky ground—no matter how often you check, the foundation never feels secure.