Helicopter parenting means being involved in a child’s life in a way that is overcontrolling, overprotecting, and overperfecting. It means staying very close, rarely out of reach, paying extremely close attention to your child and rushing over to prevent any harm, physically and psychologically, to the point of enmeshment. This is where personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated and over-concern leads to a loss of autonomous development.
While helicopter parenting has become widely discussed in recent years, it is by no means a new term. The metaphor was actually first used in a 1969 book titled “Between Parent and Teenager” written by Dr. Haim Ginott.
This type of excessive parenting, even though done with genuine intention, has some serious kickbacks and severe long-term consequences that most are not aware of. Here is a list of these side-effects:
1. Underdevelopment of the brain.
Helicopter parenting implicitly involves parents taking decisions for their children, reducing their need to problem solve and make their own decisions. The area of the brain that deals with these components is housed in the prefrontal part of the brain. This part of the brain is found to only have fully developed at 25 years of age. However, it is like a muscle and if not given the chance to exercise it will not grow substantially, meaning that these skills will stay underdeveloped.
2. Emotional backlash.
Additionally, if parents exert too much control over situations and step in before children try to handle the challenge on their own, or physically keep children from challenging contexts altogether, they may hinder the development of self-regulatory abilities. Again, this is related to the control of the prefrontal cortex, the more developed it is the more of a lid it can hold down on emotions. This is a well-researched area, for instance a research study published in the journal of Developmental Psychology determined that 2-year-olds exposed to this kind of parenting ended up less able to regulate their own emotions and behavior by age 5. That upped the risk for emotional problems at age 10.
3. Low self-esteem and confidence.
Helicopter parenting backfires! The over involvement of the parent makes the child believe that their parents will not trust them if they do something independently. It, therefore, leads to lack of self-esteem and confidence. When we parent this way, we deprive our kids of the opportunity to be creative, to problem solve, to develop coping skills, to build resilience, to figure out what makes them happy, to figure out who they are. Although we over involve ourselves to protect our kids and this may in fact lead to short-term gains, our behavior actually delivers the rather implicit soul-crushing news: Kid, you can’t actually do any of this without me. It is that which we as parents need to keep at the forefront, “What am I implicitly telling my child?” This is what our kids take away, not the physical words but the underlying message.
4. Immature coping skills, low frustration tolerance disadvantage in the work force.When the parent is always there to prevent the problem at first sight or clean up the mess, the child can never learn through failure, disappointment or loss – inevitable aspects of everyone’s life. They deprive the kids of any meaningful consequences for their actions. As a result, the kids miss out on the opportunity to learn valuable life lessons from the mistakes they make; life-lessons that would contribute to their emotional intelligence.
5. Mental Health Problems.Helicopter parenting increases a child’s depression and anxiety levels. They are always in look out for guidance, and when left alone, they become too nervous to take a decision. Multiple studies over the past decade summarize the social and psychological risks of being a helicopter parent’s child. These kids are less open to new ideas and activities and more vulnerable, anxious and self-conscious.
Here’s how to break free and encourage independence from your child:
• Rather than focus on the present, think about the possible long-term effects of helicopter parenting. Ask yourself, do I want my child to always rely on me to fix things, or do I want them to develop life skills?
# If your children are old enough to do something for themselves, let them and fight the urge to intervene. This can include things as small as tying their shoes, cleaning their room, or picking out their clothes.
# Let children make age-appropriate decisions for themselves. Allow an elementary child to choose their preferred extracurricular activity or hobbies, and let older children choose what classes to take.
# After your child has a disagreement with a friend, co-worker, or boss, don’t get in the middle or try to fix it. Teach them skills to resolve the conflict on their own.
# Allow your child to fail. We know this is hard. But not making a team or getting into the college of their choice teaches them how to cope with disappointment.
# Teach them life skills such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, face-to-face interaction, and how to talk with their teachers.