5 Rules We Must Follow While In Bar

We've all been there. We walk into a crowded bar on a Saturday night and immediately start to make a game plan. How can I get to the bar and order a drink without shoving, stepping on or cutting in front of anyone? Should I yell at the bartender? Should I wave my arms wildly to get noticed?

Or maybe being polite isn't even on your mind. Maybe you just want a drink no matter what you have to do to get it. I think we've all been there too.

# Carry Cash

Stop pulling out your credit card for one drink. You’re not only wasting the bartender’s time and delaying his tip by at least a week, you’re slowing shit down for the rest of us. Go to an ATM and pay the fee they charge you to not waste everyone else’s money.

# Stop Ordering Water

You know what booze is? It’s water with a tiny bit of booze in it. No more ordering a drink with a water chaser. Try the drink first and see if that quenches your thirst. It’s a fucking DRINK, for crying out loud. The only exception to this rule is a megabender where you’re risking alcohol poisoning by not having a glass of water for every seven pints of beer. It’s rational to do it then, but I still think it’s faggy.

# Know your surroundings

If you're looking to sit at the bar and have an intimate conversation with your friend, don't go to a popular bar on a Friday night. You'll be frustrated yelling over the din of orders coming at you, and other patrons will be frustrated that you're just sitting there, taking up space at the bar. And don't even think about hanging your giant purse on the back of a chair so others can't reach the bar without knocking it all over the place. It's certainly OK to sit at the bar for a little while, but share the space. Make sure you give others the opportunity to lean over and steal a garnish as well.

# Be nice to the bartender but not passive

Again, the bartender wants to help you. If you just stand there and stare blankly at the bar, she may never get the message that you're ready to order. Look interested. Make eye contact. Smile. Do a little wave if you must. Just don't snap or gesticulate wildly or yell from the other end of the bar. Wait your turn like everybody else and be polite. There's no better way to get a good drink than being the nice person in a sea of jackasses.

# Get off the laptop

Many bars these days have free WiFi, and why not? It can be nice to catch up on emails and unwind with a beer on a Saturday afternoon. But once the crowds start rolling in, put that computer away. You can get away with it if you're sitting at a table and not taking up more than your allotted space, but don't keep a computer up on the bar once it's busy. Some bars are now turning off the WiFi at 6 p.m. to get the laptop hobos out and the paying customers in.