3 Ways To Make Sure You Remain The Sun In Your Relationship

I’m a BIG believer in therapy. I think everyone should be in therapy. We are all constantly growing and changing and struggling and overcoming. We all have things we could use an unbiased person to help us work on.

For me, one of my big struggles has always been maintaining my identity in relationships. Honestly, relationships of any kind. Romantic and friendships. I struggle to find balance between my personal life and my professional life. I can be guilty of becoming single-minded; for example, I’ll go through phases of life where I morph into such a social butterfly, I let my work completely slip. Or I’ll get so caught up in the guy I’m dating, I’ll lose touch with my friends for a season. Or I’ll get completely wrapped up in work and allow it to completely eclipse everything else.

Where does this lack of balance stem from? Well, for one thing, I’m human. I think humans in general struggle with balance in their lives. But in my case, and I suspect this is true for a lot of people, it’s also because I tend to attribute my worth to other people. How other people are treating me or responding to me or loving me or not loving me tends to be the compass I follow for determining how I’m going to treat myself or love myself. That’s why I often get so wrapped up in other people and in earning their approval or time or love or attention that I completely lose track of myself.

And that, my friends, is a recipe for a completely unbalanced life. Why? Because it’s all backwards. YOU have to determine your worth, and then other people will fall in line with your beliefs. If you wait around on other people to decide how you’re going to feel about yourself on any particular day, you will always be miserable, unhappy, and unfulfilled. If you wait around on other people to “complete” you, you will always be unfinished.

# Maintain your life outside of him

Don’t be that girl who completely bails on her life, her friendships, and her hobbies for any man. You don’t need to see him every night of the week. My ex and I would often sacrifice sleep to spend time together and wind up exhausted and miserable the next day. That inevitably leads to resentment and is not a healthy foundation for a relationship. Keep going to the gym, keep having girls’ nights out, and keep up with your self-care. A relationship is designed to add to your already awesome life, not become your life.

# Set healthy boundaries and listen to your gut

Establish how many days you’re going to see him in a week and don’t apologize for it. If you’re not ready to take a great big relationship steps like meeting the kids or saying I love you, don’t. A relationship that isn’t a two-way street is a dead-end road.

# Finally, throw out the notion that you need anyone or anything to “complete” you

You’re already a whole, complete person just as you are. Or as I like to say, you are the cake and a relationship is the icing. With or without the icing, a cake is still a cake!

One of my favorite quotes by Jennifer Aniston says this: “A relationship isn’t going to make me survive. It’s the cherry on top.” So in other words: YOU be the cake, the sundae, the sun. Let him be the icing, the cherry, and the stars in your solar system. That’s how to maintain your identity in relationships, and how to have your cake and eat it, too.