5 Effective Ways To Say NO Without Hurting Anyone

We want to please people, so we reluctantly agree to do something we know perfectly well we don’t have the time to do. Then we end up feeling resentful rather than joyful about our over-committed lives. (If you’ve ever stayed up until midnight making cupcakes for a bake sale and cursing under your breath, then you know what I’m talking about.)

What if we perfected the art of saying “no” when we need to? What if we actually practiced saying “no” so that it became easier to do in the moment? What if we could say “no” without hurting feelings or feeling guilty? Here are some ways to say no -

* Say “no” to the good in order to make room for the great

Keep in mind all the great stuff you are making room for in your life – more time with your family or the ability to exercise more regularly. Write down the good stuff (your priorities) and put them someplace visible, so you can see them when you are asked to do something that would be a distraction or barrier.

* Make decisions in advance

I teach my children to make decisions in advance so they don’t have to rely on their undeveloped prefrontal cortex when they are tempted to take a sip of alcohol or cheat on a test. The same strategy works for me when it comes to saying “no” to something or someone. I make up my mind before I even receive the request. If there is something you anticipate being asked, write down your response in advance to help clear your thoughts.

* Remember “no” is a complete sentence

Don’t feel the pressure to explain your answer every time. A simple, graceful, “No, thank you” is often all we need. Sometimes when we share a multitude of reasons, they sound more like excuses. Try rehearsing this simple statement and ask a trusted friend to call it to your attention if she ever hears you ramble on with excuses.

* Decide immediately

When you receive an invitation or a request and you delay responding, it’s not only rude, but it also becomes a mental burden you carry. It weighs on your mind and your heart until you’ve made a decision. You certainly need to take the time to make a prayerful and thoughtful decision. But don’t procrastinate and avoid the issue – especially if the answer is “no” but you’re simply afraid to say it. Try making a 24-hour rule for yourself – challenge yourself to make a decision and respond by the following day. Then, if the answer is “no,” try a response like this.

* Be clear and direct

My children used to catch me on this one all the time – I would say “maybe” to their request and they would reply with “Mom, everyone knows that ‘maybe’ means ‘no.’” And it’s true. Many times we give a vague response because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. So we say something like “I’ll try to stop by,” when we are 99% sure we won’t make it to an event. This only creates false expectations and more of a mental burden for you to carry around. And it leaves other people feeling disappointed. Instead, see how it feels to be clear and direct with a statement like.