5 No Fail Tips That Will Help You Set Boundaries With Your In Laws

Whether you’re working on setting boundaries with toxic in-laws or understanding and accommodating ones, the process is most effective when enforced from the get-go. You cannot spring a “first call, then visit” rule on them after spending 7 years of having them walk in and out of your house as they please, and expect that boundary to be respected immediately.

Yes, asserting yourself early on in the marriage can be intimidating because your connection with this newly acquired family is still fragile and you’re really just getting to know each other. How to talk to your mother-in-law about boundaries? How to tell your sister-in-law where to draw the line? How to say no to your father-in-law without coming across as disrespectful? These are all legitimate concerns. So, how to set boundaries with your mother-in-law or any of your in-laws?

# Limit the time you spend together

The family you have gained along the way won’t let you go easy. That means a whole lot of picnics together, family dinners once a month, and spending a few days together during the holidays. If spending a hot summer afternoon with your sister-in-law and her teenage kids at their place is not something you want, compromise and plan an outing instead.

Or you could invite your family to such a get-together. That way, the tension gets divided and you have people to fall back on. Hang out with her as long as the interaction is pleasant for both of you. When trying to figure out how to set boundaries with your sister-in-law, it’s helps to be smart in your approach.

# Tune your perspective

A lot of people get married knowing that their in-laws are going to be difficult. Well, that’s not always true. Sometimes, our own insecurities or mindset make us see things that aren’t really true. Like on your first anniversary, if your MIL tells you about setting a savings account for your future kids, it does not necessarily mean she thinks you are ill-equipped to deal with your children or plan for their future.

It only means she is trying to help, just in case something goes wrong. It’s harmful to the marriage if you keep finding ulterior motives and double meanings in everything your in-laws say just because you had a preconceived notion of a behemoth overbearing mother-in-law.

# Don’t be competitive

Parents can be protective of their children, even if your husband isn’t a mama’s boy. No matter how old the children get, parents will always want the best for them and put them before everything else. What you need to know is that the romantic love that your spouse has for you and the love they bear for their parents are two entirely different things.

Fighting over who your spouse gives more attention to will put you in an unhealthy competition with your in-laws that is going to end badly. Besides, it would leave your spouse feeling torn and conflicted. So, avoid that. Setting boundaries with in-laws also means setting some boundaries for yourself. And that includes not getting insecure or jealous if your spouse wants to spend some quality time with their parents or do something nice for them.

# Don’t direct your anger at your spouse

Let’s say, something your sister-in-law said to you is getting on your nerves. But she is pregnant and you don’t want to upset her, so you let it slide. Now, you need to tame the temper and not lash out at your spouse. Your spouse isn’t at fault here.

In all probability, he wasn’t even privy to the conversation that has left you all riled up. Instead, communicate what got you so mad. Rant, if you must. But don’t be passive-aggressive toward your spouse because you do not like your in-laws. At the end of the day, the in-laws are a tiny part of your life and your marriage is a lot more important.

# Stick to your schedule

If it was decided that everyone would gather at your place for Thanksgiving, don’t let your sister-in-law or brother-in-law change that plan just because “they really would love to host the dinner”. If you had planned to go attend your spouse’s second cousin’s wedding, honor that promise.

Likewise, explicitly but politely mention that unannounced visits aren’t something you or your spouse like if that’s something you feel strongly about. Don’t wait for years until you are fed up with the visits to tell them. Springing the truth on them after years will make them think you don’t like them anymore.