5 Practical Ways To Deal With In-Laws Patiently

Your in-laws are a crucial part of your spouse's life. This makes them a crucial part of your life as well. No one ever said it was easy to balance your needs with the needs of others especially the needs of an entire new family. But creating family harmony is possible and it's very much worth the effort. You realize it won't be easy to build bridges and rebuild some that have been burnt but you also realize that it's a valuable way to spend your time. The return you get on your investment will last the rest of your married life. Here are some ideas to get you started.

* Work With Your Spouse

This is the key rule, numero uno, the whole enchilada. As my wonderful husband reminded me last night, dealing effectively with in-laws all starts with first working conflicts through with your spouse. Remember, you're in this together.

Never put your spouse in a situation where he or she has to choose between you and a relative. If you do so, you're putting your spouse in a nearly impossible bind. Instead, try to understand the bond your spouse has with his or her grandparents, parents, and siblings. If possible, try to support that relationship. Even if your spouse has parents from hell, they are his or her parents.

* Set Boundaries and Limits

No candy before mealtime for the kids? No loans for in-laws? With your spouse, decide what's important and what's not.

Speaking of boundaries, don't make promises that you can't keep. Remember Neville Chamberlain, Hitler, and Poland? In an attempt to achieve "peace in our time," British politico Neville Chamberlain gave Poland to Hitler as part of the British appeasement policy. Remember how well that worked? Hitler just kept right on seizing chunks of Europe. Placating people to keep the peace rarely solves the problem especially if your in-laws are tyrants.

* Enforce the Boundaries and Limits

Without being as inflexible as a teenager, stick to your guns. For example, if you don't want drop-in company, tell your in-laws that you'd prefer that they call before they show up at your doorstep. If they ignore you, don't answer the door the next time they just happen to drop-by. Even if they do have a lemon meringue pie.

* Communicate Directly

Whenever possible, avoid communicating through a third party. Don't ask your spouse to talk to his sister about something she did that hurt your feelings. Talk to your sister-in-law directly.

If something bothers you, address it as soon as possible. Sometimes it's a genuine problem; other times, it might be a misunderstanding.

* Know Yourself

Shakespeare said it a zillion years ago, and the advice still holds today: Don't try to remake yourself into the person your in-laws want. For example, what if they're looking for little Susie Homemaker and you're a high-powered corporate attorney? You're under no obligation on your day off to bake Swedish rye bread and churn your own butter. Get a manicure and call for some take-out instead.