5 Tips To Be A Successful Step Father

Being a stepdad is like walking into an emotional minefield. He tries to simultaneously recover from the wounds in his own past, build a new marriage with his wife, and settle into this new family situation with his wife’s children and possibly children from his previous marriage. And all this takes place in the aftermath of your wife’s ex-husband, who still seems to linger mystically—if not physically—in the shadows of this new household. It isn’t surprising that a large percentage of abuse cases occur in step or mixed families. But there are those of you who are truly instruments of hope and healing to fatherless homes, and you deserve praise for your willingness to step in and be a father figure for those who have none. You face a tremendous challenge.

As a stepfather, you’re really more like a mentor than a father. You’re a helper, a caretaker, a steward of sorts, who gives the children a needed perspective and becomes an important source of strength as they grow and mature. You don’t actually have the responsibility that your wife does in raising them—though you can earn that responsibility over time—but you do possess a potential to influence them that is equal to, though different from, your wife’s. Here are 5 ways you can ease the tension of being a stepfather.

* Keep encouraging the children’s relationship with their biological father

What often happens in second (or third) marriages is that everyone in the household tries to forget the ex-husband completely. But no matter how hard you try, you can’t forget him, and neither can the children. If you try to ignore his existence, trying to keep his bones in the closet, so to speak, you can be sure that sooner or later, probably during a confrontation, your children will not only drag those bones out but will use them as weapons against you and your wife.

* Discuss discipline and exercise it with extreme caution

Perhaps the greatest point of tension for a new stepfather is knowing how and to what extent you should be involved in the discipline of your children.

* Schedule regular times away from the kids as a couple

Even more than in first marriages, it is vital that you and your wife spend time alone, strengthening and revitalizing your marriage. Besides the benefits you will see as a couple, your stepchildren will take great comfort in your commitment to one another. They’ve already seen one marriage end, and some children even blame themselves for it. Their outlook on life each day will be greatly improved if they sense love and commitment between their mother and stepfather at home.

* Practice acceptance

It’s good to realize from the beginning that this new family will take some getting used to. It will take time for them, as well. There will be times when you feel like an outsider. That’s why it’s so important for you to take the initiative and show the children unconditional acceptance. Be flexible when it comes to mannerisms and personal habits, and be a healthy model of someone who cheerfully adapts to your new family members as they are, faults and all. Your openness and willingness to deal with their idiosyncrasies and unique family atmosphere will be contagious and will encourage them to accept you more easily.

* Don’t force her children to call you Dad

In marrying you, your wife has brought her children some new (and not entirely welcome) obligations and commitments that they have not chosen to make. Forcing them to accept you on such terms will only cause resentment, especially with older kids. Instead, allow the children to define their own comfort zones as they relate to you. Your desire for a quick and smooth transition is natural, but it will be best served by patience as you earn the respect and love of your wife’s children in their time.