5 Ways How Love Destroys Your Relationship

What do you desire in a partner? Everyone has fantasies about their perfect boyfriend, girlfriend, or future spouse. But not all of these love fantasies are workable, and a fair few of them can never come true.

If you know the distinction between what’s possible and what’s unreasonable, good for you. If you don’t, it’s time for a rude awakening because these desires you have for a partner may be actively harming your dating life.

Here are five ways idealized love destroys relationships and how to prevent it.

# You Dehumanize Your Partner

Your partner is a human being. They’re flawed, they make mistakes, and they need to work on themselves to improve. That’s just reality! Idealization robs them of this reality, painting them into something unreal and impossible by making them perfect in your eyes. This damages your relationship because:

- Your partner may feel overwhelmed by the pressure and expectations put on them.
- Their partner will never reach the standards you’ve set for them, as it is impossible to do so.
- Your partner may become frightened of being a disappointment or feel insecure and inadequate.
- Your idea of your partner will shatter when they inevitably break the false image you have of them.
- You may allow your partner to get away with negative behavior due to the rose-colored glasses you wear.
- You will assume that your partner will always be perfect and ideal.

# You Equate Fighting With Doom

Fighting is a normal part of any long-term close relationship. Even in familial and platonic relationships, fights are commonplace, and part of the point is that you know the bond you share is strong enough to overcome these kinds of hurdles.

The same goes for romantic relationships. The world often portrays fighting as a surefire sign that everything is going downhill. While different relationships have different typical, healthy argument frequencies, fights can be beneficial for couples at the end of the day. As long as you’re fighting with positive methods, it can even facilitate better communication, a strengthened bond, and a happier outcome.

Sure, love shouldn’t be painfully or impossibly hard. But it’s not easy, either. It takes work, and misunderstandings will always occur between two different people. As long as you know how to work through them with positive thinking and respect, it’s perfectly healthy.

# Your Expectations Are Unfair

We’ve talked about the dehumanization of idealized love due to its expectations, but there are other ways that these expectations can be harmful to a relationship. For the most part, they create unfair parameters that most individuals can’t meet. Here are a few expectations that can cause this to happen:

- Change

Idealized love can make you want your partner to change into the version of them you perceive. It’s okay for you and your partner to have goals for personal self-improvement. But actively getting into a partnership and expecting the other to change to suit your needs and preferences is a surefire way to make the relationship end in flames. You should love your partner as they are and support their growth without demanding or expecting them to change who they are.

- Comparison

You may compare your partner to other individuals, especially those presented in idealized ways. For example, you may want your partner to behave like a romantic comedy character, or you may want to have the #relationshipgoals that you see on Instagram and other social media. This kind of comparison is automatically unhealthy – fictional characters are fictional for a reason, and social media only shows the best sides of people.

- Perfect Spark

We’ve seen it plenty of times – the romanticized notion that when you meet someone, there should be instant chemistry or some spark. This, too, is idealized, and the reality is that most relationships don’t start like this. Some may not even have that so-called “spark.” Genuine love, attraction, and respect are what is necessary to make a relationship work long-term, not a shallow, surface-level expectation of passion based on movies and novels.

# You Lose Empathy

When you idealize someone and have idealized ideas of love, you stop empathizing with a partner. The idea of them that you have in your head is already inherently false. There’s no way for you to understand them or meet them on their genuine level when everything you believe about them is wrong.

The ability to feel empathy for someone you’re close to, whether it’s a romantic relationship or not, is crucial. It allows you to comprehend others’ position, see things from their point of view, and put yourself in their shoes past your desires. Essentially, idealization is way too selfish and inward-focused to be empathetic, and that’s not how any relationship works.

# You Communicate Less

Communication is central to a healthy and positive relationship. No one can read your mind. Expecting your partner to know what you want magically, need, or think will never end well. Unfortunately, it’s prevalent for people to expect this out of their partner due to idealized love.

This is because they exhibit these behaviors:

- Thinking they shouldn’t have to ask for what they want; their partner should naturally know.
- Believing their partner should automatically know how to comfort them, help them, or do right by them, even in new relationships.
- Dropping hints and hope that their partner will pick up on them quickly and easily, then get upset when their partner does not pick up on the suggestion.
- Tending to say what they don’t mean, hoping that things will play out like they do in fiction.
- Believing that in an ideal relationship, partners know everything about each other instinctively.
- Thinking intimacy in the bedroom should be perfect, romantic, and sensual without ever needing to talk about what they like to dislike.