5 Ways To Help You Handle Toxic Neighbors

Unless you live in an isolated cabin in the woods or a cave in the desert, you probably have neighbors. If you’re lucky, they’re friends or, at the very least, neutral presences. If you’re less fortunate, you live beside the chatterbox who appears whenever you’re rushing to work. Or the house that vibrates with party noise late into the night. Perhaps a yard overgrown with weeds that creep over the property line. The list of unwelcome neighbor traits is long.

Still, what counts as a bad neighbor isn’t universal. For some, the chatterbox is welcome company, the overgrown yard, blissfully free of pesticides. No specific situation causes problems for everyone, but stress arises for most of us when we have conflicts with a neighbor we didn’t choose and can’t easily escape.

* Speak face-to-face

Clarke discourages the use of notes, texts, or third parties to convey your message. “Trying to avoid the face-to-face conversation with the person can lead to more problems,” she says, “since you can’t be sure the note will be read or your points will get across.”

* Write it down and rehearse

Writing does have its uses, however. “If you’re really apprehensive, practice what you want to say first,” she suggests. Write your points down and then role-play with someone you trust, preferably someone who knows your neighbor and can respond as he or she might.

* Keep your cool

Check in with your own emotional state before you approach your neighbor. Feeling apprehensive is normal, Clarke says, but anger is counterproductive. “Never approach the neighbor when you’re wound up. If you are, postpone the conversation.”

* Use I-statements

You may be tempted to bolster your position with blanket statements like, “Your smoking bugs everybody,” but Clarke suggests speaking only for yourself. I-statements for example, “I’m quite sensitive to your cigarette smoke” not only avoid escalating an encounter; they’re all but impossible to debate.

* Make suggestions for a resolution

“People often want to vent and put all the responsibility on the neighbor,” she notes, but a more productive approach is to come up with a plan for you both: Your neighbor agrees to give you advance notice about parties; you agree to relocate for the evening.