Actual Reason Why Lesbians Don't Watch Porn

Lesbians treat lesbian porn probably like a person from Italy treats Sbarro: some actually like it, some will only take part when they’re lonely or sad, but most stay clear at all costs because they’ve got much better back home. And while I don't speak for all lesbians, here are some thoughts lesbians would have if they watched lesbian porn.

1. Hair Dye

It’s so crazy that I forgot that as soon as you come out as a lesbian you have to dye your hair blonde. Literally all lesbians in lesbian porn are blonde. How could I have forgotten the most crucial aspect of lesbian existence after the flannel? We are all blonde.

2. Fingernails

No lesbian, no matter how mad they are at another lesbian for never returning their Lost And Delirious DVD, would EVER subject anyone to long fingernails. No one wants to be accidentally Freddy Kruegered during sex.

3. Rename

It’s called “lesbian porn” but it neither features lesbians nor is for lesbians. It’s like if you opened a vegetarian restaurant and you only served bacon and hot dogs made by a guy who was also eating a hot dog. Which to be honest, sounds like a great restaurant, but you still can’t call it “vegetarian.” Maybe they should start calling it “straight women having sex as a way to a lure a straight man into the room so they can have sex with him instead” porn.

4. No Cuddling

Lesbian sex is book-ended with an intense emotional discussion and an openness to intimacy unparalleled elsewhere in human existence. How come they never discuss the ways their exes wronged them or the personal microaggressions they experienced that day living under the hetero-normative patriarchy? Not even a mention of a girl from work buying the same tote bag as her and pretending like she was the one who found the website of bags that were recycled from old library books written by women writers in the early 20th century? Doesn’t sound like lesbian sex to me.

5. Why a Man is Involved

Why are there so many men in lesbian porn??? At least call it bisexual porn or something. Also: does bisexual porn exist? Is that just a threesome? What happens when you search for bisexual porn? These are questions I can’t answer from the confines of my work computer during the middle of the day. Although my top secret gay intel sources have concluded that: “Everything that exists in the world exists in porn.” So that settles that.