6 Toxic Communication Patterns That Ruin Relationships

When discussing detrimental relationships, most often the focus is on physical or emotional abuse, hurtful conduct, or insecurities, while the crucial aspect of toxic communication tends to be overlooked.

The manner in which you engage in conversations with your partner, and the language you employ to describe them, serves as a valuable gauge of your relationship's overall health. Unconstructive communication styles encompass acts such as dismissing your partner's statements, displaying contempt, using hurtful words as a means of retaliation, and so forth.

As you contemplate the aforementioned list, you might find yourself thinking, "I may have done that on occasion" or "I recall behaving that way recently and feeling remorse." This may lead to concerns about the quality of your communication within the relationship. However, there's no need to be overly concerned just yet.

Saying something unkind once or displaying rudeness a few years ago does not automatically signify that you have toxic communication tendencies. Human beings occasionally lose control and make mistakes.

However, when you begin to observe a recurring pattern where these negative behaviors manifest almost daily, that is cause for concern. This could potentially be attributed to a lower emotional intelligence quotient (EQ), a factor that research suggests can underlie toxic communication patterns. Fortunately, this is an area that can be worked on and improved.

Conversely, constructive communication entails elements such as openness, trust, respect, and kindness. Demonstrating affection and admiration for your partner solely through actions is insufficient; words play a pivotal role as well. Employing healthy communication strategies can enhance your connection with your partner.

# Getting too defensive

Frequently becoming defensive when your partner raises an issue is a common negative pattern in relationships. When your partner expresses that something is bothering them, the constructive response is to say, "I'm sorry this is causing you frustration," while the less constructive approach is to assert, "This isn't my fault."

It's all too easy to fall into the trap of playing the blame game, where both you and your partner engage in a cycle of accusations during an argument, rather than collaborating to find a resolution. Even if the other person bears responsibility, constantly highlighting it without contributing to a solution can be an issue of excessive communication within the relationship. This often exacerbates the situation rather than improving it.

# Using frustrated language

Experiencing frustration, even over minor matters, is a common occurrence. However, directing that frustration towards your partner is not appropriate. Your frustration may stem from various sources, and unleashing it solely on your partner is unjust to them.

Expressing frustration through language may manifest as phrases like "You always annoy me" or "You never support me." The use of "always" and "never" can make your partner feel as though they are consistently causing you distress, even when that may not be the case. Such language can also lead you to internalize the belief that your partner is solely responsible for all your problems, which is not necessarily accurate.

# Speaking for your partner

In a relationship, particularly a long-term one, the boundaries between you and your partner can become blurred. You might find yourself sharing your partner's anecdotes or placing their drink orders at a bar.

While this demonstrates your deep familiarity with them, it can also be detrimental to communication within the relationship because it means you're not allowing your partner to express themselves independently. This behavior can inadvertently keep both of you trapped in a routine and hinder your partner's ability to have the space for personal change and growth.

This pattern of behavior suggests that you may not be considering the possibility that your partner may wish to explore different choices, whether it's trying a new beverage or narrating their own stories in their unique manner. It serves as a clear indicator that you may be exerting a degree of control over your partner that is detrimental to the overall health of your relationship.

# Gaslighting your partner

Among the myriad communication mistakes to avoid, gaslighting stands out prominently due to its potential for rapid toxicity. Gaslighting involves undermining someone's perception of reality.

For instance, if your partner tells you, "You're exerting too much control over my actions," and your response is, "Are you certain I'm controlling? I'm just assisting you in making sound choices because I care about you," then you're essentially engaging in gaslighting, attempting to make them doubt that you're a toxic partner when, in fact, you may be.

When your partner raises an issue, it's advisable to carefully consider it and encourage them to contribute to finding a solution. Detecting gaslighting behavior can be challenging, but remaining attuned to your partner's feelings and allowing them the space to express themselves freely is the most effective means of providing support.

# Being too critical of your partner

When you're in a romantic relationship, it's a natural inclination to wish for perfection in your partner, yet it can be challenging to remember that such perfection is an unattainable ideal because, like you, they are only human. Continuously critiquing them for their appearance or aspects beyond their control only serves to diminish their self-esteem.

Engaging in conversations with your partner about issues that lack a feasible solution and will only harm your relationship is indicative of excessive communication within the relationship. This form of unhealthy communication offers no constructive purpose but instead erodes your partner's self-esteem and sense of comfort.

# Negative body language

Non-verbal communication holds significance within a relationship as it serves as a reflection of one's sentiments toward their partner. When negative non-verbal cues, such as eye rolls, creating physical distance, or evading physical intimacy, are displayed, it can convey an impression to your partner that you are disinterested in being with them.